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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

This is really upsetting me.

Hollywood really needs to be stopped!

"Universal Pictures has made a splashy preemptive buy of "Moby Dick," a reimagining of the Herman Melville whale tale that Timur Bekmambetov ("Wanted") will direct. Studio paid high six figures to Adam Cooper and Bill Collage to pen the screenplay.

The writers revere Melville’s original text, but their graphic novel-style version will change the structure. Gone is the first-person narration by the young seaman Ishmael, who observes how Ahab’s obsession with killing the great white whale overwhelms his good judgment as captain.

This change will allow them to depict the whale’s decimation of other ships prior to its encounter with Ahab’s Pequod, and Ahab will be depicted more as a charismatic leader than a brooding obsessive.

"Our vision isn’t your grandfather’s ‘Moby Dick,’ " Cooper said. "This is an opportunity to take a timeless classic and capitalize on the advances in visual effects to tell what at its core is an action-adventure revenge story."

..."We wanted to take a graphic novel sensibility to a classic narrative," said Collage. They brought it to the Wibberlys, the "National Treasure" scribes ..."

What the hell is wrong with these people?


Austin Kleon said...

In other words: "We're going to make JAWS, Part 17."

Dan S. said...

Not your grandfather's Moby-Dick? What an inane thing to say.

tomN! said...

Hey Hollywood- Since you're already pissing all over Melville's classic, why not go for the gold? Here's a few suggestions that will really make it a hit summer blockbuster:

1) They should add fart jokes to go after that "tween" audience? It would be hilarious if Ahab had a gas problem every time he got excited.

2) Why not make Queequeg a hot woman to appeal to the male audience? Why not Angelina Jolie? As a bonus, this will get rid of the homosexual undertones of Ishmael and Q's friendship that are sure to make the homophobic dudes in the audience squirm.

3) Now that Queequeg is a woman, they can add a love story to appeal to the female audience. The end of the movie could be like the end of Titanic.

4) Moby Dick can talk. And he should have a wise-cracking, bad-ass attitude. Jack Black or Eddie Murphy could do the voice!

5) Ahab shouldn't have just a boring old peg-leg. He should have a bionic arm that shoots exploding harpoons! Now that would be awesome!

6) Nickelback should do the music.

7) Lots of explosions. Man, now I wish Michael bay was directing.

Annie-Mae said...

I can see it now, Johnny Depp as Ahab...he'd do it to XD.

I can see that they want to make the 'charismatic' part more like him more like the guys on Deadliest Catch, but dood that's it's a tale of fiction, Ahab is supposed to that demented for a reason. Not to mention there have been many other great adaptations of the book we don't need Timur Bekmambetov's version.

kingdomforavoice said...

Maybe they won't fuck up the novel's perfect opening.

Caleb Bowen said...

There needs to be a moment with a close-up of a kid saying "Cool!" for the commercial. Moby Dick also has a giant spider for a sidekick! We must cover every demographic possible.

My grandfather was an alcoholic, so it kinda does sound like they're making his version.

Hi, Tom...I recently stumbled onto your blog. I really like it, I added your link. Your Moby Dick pic is amazing.

tomN! said...

"Maybe they won't fuck up the novel's perfect opening."

but- they already have! they removed the first person narrative! Ishmael no longer has a voice! So, they'll have to have Morgan Freeman do an overdubbed narration with the opening line: "Call him Ishmael..." FUCK!

Matthew said...

Hollywood will gladly rape anything for a few bucks.